so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
Liz is crying about burritos again.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
Randomize
