Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
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Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
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He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.