Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
