Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Randomize
