I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
Randomize
