Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
I DEMAND FORESKIN
God, I missed his penis.
Randomize
