What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker
Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
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