i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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