her fupa was seducing me. this is the last time i'm doing shrooms.
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
Randomize
