I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Randomize
