my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Randomize
