my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
