My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Randomize
