Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
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