I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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