Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
NoShamevember. You game?
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
Randomize
