I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Randomize
