dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
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