false alarm. still invincible.
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
