clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Randomize
