I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
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