just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Ive created a fbook group called "threesome" and invited two girls. Im not going to say a word and just see what happens.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
