Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
