If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
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