Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
