I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Randomize
