Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
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he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
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