whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
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