Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
Randomize
