I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
Randomize
