You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
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