What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Randomize
