We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
