I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
