Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
