Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
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