When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
