Someone shit on the floor
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
The struggles of a small town man whore
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
Then you guys just all showered together...?
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
Randomize
