P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
Randomize
