If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
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