If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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