Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
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