No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
