Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
I tried watching the view, i got through 8 minutes. That is probably a world record.
They always sound like a bunch of chickens.
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
I intend to get homeless drunk
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Randomize
