my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
so do the steelers give the refs blowjobs at halftime or after the game?
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
Randomize
