So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I'm not saying he was bad at sex, but I'm pretty sure I anti-climaxed.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
So. Much. Porn.
Randomize
