Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
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