This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
Randomize
