It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
Randomize
