I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
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