I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
Randomize
