she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
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i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
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I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
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